I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
