you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
