He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
