I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
