Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
