i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
