whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
