a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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