listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
