And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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