so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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