i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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