He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
