So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Can I color on your dick again?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
