I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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