Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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