Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.