drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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