I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer