I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.