Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.