Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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