All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just tell him i said nine months
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
