so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
