i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
