I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
