That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
