I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
