half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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