I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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