Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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