I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
