her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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