this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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