Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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