sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
