i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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