Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
