I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
