i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
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I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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