then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Randomize
