people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
