ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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