i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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