I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
