The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
