We need to rekindle our bromance
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
