I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
