I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize