I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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