im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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