I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
