so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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