Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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