what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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