I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
