it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
