not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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