So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
